Not even sure where to begin tonight. I have so much running through my mind since I came home from Tanya's, a fellow acromegalic's,memorial service. I was there for a few days and at night I was alone in the guest room...no tv, no radio, no computer...just me and a whirlwind of thoughts. I began to pray for Tanya and her family as I held her teddy bear and looked at reminders of her in the room like the star she held at her birthday party and a photo on the dresser and a small trinket with palm trees that I just knew had to have belonged to her. Soon my prayers turned into tears, my tears into sobs, my sobs into anger. I thought I was angry at death and doctors and careless people and stupid shots but now that I am looking back. I was angry at myself. I AM angry at myself. Angry that I am not doing everything in my power to change my path in life, to change my destiny. This disease...all my diseases have manipulated me into believing that there are things I can not do.I have found myself making excuses instead of making progress. This is what this disease does, it sneaks in through the back door of your brain and wreaks havoc until you forget who you are and what you should be doing. A friend of Karen's asked me this weekend if I like to dance...I said yes, but immediately followed that with,I can not dance any more. What??? Who the hell said that? It surely was not me because I can dance, I can move, I can sway back and forth. Music was always a big part of my life...when did that change? Who made me stop tapping my feet and swinging my arms? Not the doctors, not the disease...me, I did. I stopped the music. Lord, what is happening to me?? I have become my worst enemy, my worst caregiver. I am the one constantly telling my friends to find the positives, keep moving, do something, stay active with your body and mind...yet, where has my self pep talk gone? I feel like I am caught in the eye of the tornado and I am just watching my life spin around me...too fast for me to jump in and afraid of what I can not see ahead. This has to change. It took me an entire lifetime to decide that I do love myself and that I am valuable and my life means something. I can not let that go. Where is the unconditionally love for myself that I give to everyone else, even strangers? I am realizing that, as positive as I am and as hard as I work for everyone else, I do not give myself the same. I can not complain any longer about the aches and pains or the acrofog or the weight gain and such unless I am doing everything in MY power to change it. It is going to take me some time but I intend on treating myself like everyone else I love...with love and respect and dignity and only making decisions that I know will benefit my life. Every part of my diet and health situation can be approved upon. My mental health needs an overhaul too. This disease changes people but we can control some of that change.
That night I made a vow to myself to make all the changes I needed to in my life NOW while I can, while I am able to, while I still have life in me. I thanked Tanya that night for listening to me babble. I knew in my heart she was sitting there with me and understood what I was going through in that moment. Life is precious....we have to make it worth living, make it last as long as we can
