My Support Band

Last year the Acromegaly Community came out with bracelets we could purchase to help support the community. One side says Acromegaly Community and the other side says "Cure Loneliness". Lovely shade of blue and it fits me! It really fit me! That in itself was exciting for me. I truly thought it was something I would have to hook to my keychain. Most jewelry does not fit me because of the size of my fingers and hands. Anyway, back to my story...
My bracelets arrived in the mail that day. I immediately and proudly put it on. Grinning from ear to ear the entire time. You would have thought it was Christmas morning! Later that evening I ended up in the ER. I went by myself, as usual. As I was sitting there waiting an older gentleman came and sat in the chair right next to me. I was waiting probably 45 minutes or so when all the sudden he says "Is it working?". This man has not said one word to me all evening and now he asks me if it is working? I wasn't sure how to respond because he caught me off guard. I slowly said..excuse me? He said again "Is it working?". My reply "Is what working???" He points to the bracelet and asks me if I am curing lonliness... I smiled, My response to him "You are talking to me aren't you?" He smiled back and proceeded to ask me about Acromegaly. We spoke for quite a while until I was called back. He was very curious about acro and I was very eager to share :o)
I love my bracelet ♥

Killing Myself with Kindness...

.... in the form of chocolate...and sweet rolls...and Oreos...and donuts and all the others crap I know damn well I should not be eating!!!!!!!! The carb attacks are getting worse the higher my IGF1 levels climb. I am beside myself with anger. I am angry at myself over something that I really do not have complete control over. My second endo once told me that it is impossible for people with Acro to lose weight. I proved her wrong. I did not lose buckets of fat but I did lose about 15 pounds. My first endo told me that the more I try to lose the weight, the more my body will work against me because my body thinks it needs more to grow since my stupid pituitary tumor keeps secreting large amounts of growth hormones! Sadly, that does make sense. I could always tell when my kids were having growth spurts because they would eat like there was no tomorrow. Here I am at 41 years old....going through growth spurts and eating everything in sight at times. Not only does it cause me problems physically, it also causes me problems emotionally. I get so angry at myself. I used to have great self control. Now I sit down, make a diet plan, an exercise plan etc... and I just can not follow through with it. The harder I try, the more I fail. Failure never used to be an option for me.
I know it is not a physical hunger that I have. It is the inbalance of hormones...I can eat a meal and feel stuffed beyond belief yet, I immediately crave chocolate as soon as I stop eating. Mentally I know exactly what I should be doing but my body rebels against me. As hard as I try the cravings consume my every thought and literally drive me to insanity. I can not distract myself from wanting the effin chocolate! I have even been craving and eating food I hate...like parmesan cheese, coconut even peanut butter which I am allergic too and could put me in the ER. The other night I ate ice cream because it had chocolate in it! I knew damn well that I can not eat dairy products and it would make me deathly ill but I could just not stop myself. I sat there and cried with each bite I took and then spent the night in the bathroom with a swollen belly, diarrhea and vomiting....all because my body demanded the chocolate. Lord, what the hell is happening to me? Who is this person? This is not me. Sherry is strong and has will power and loves to eat healthy. I am so disappointed in myself even though I am not really fully to blame. The inner struggle is creating depression and anxiety within me.I pray this will stop soon. The last time my IGF1 levels were completely uncontrolled, I weighed over 300 punds. I can not go back to that time of my life.
I hate this disease.
I hate not having control.
I hate the mental struggle with food.
Sugar is my enemy...Acromegaly must be Christian because it is teaching me to love thy enemy!! I consume sugar foods and it makes me feel worse, causes more pain and more swelling. Makes my sugars out of whack (remember I am diabetic). The more sugar I consume, the more infections I get. I am fighting three right now thanks to my week long binge because I attempted to quit all sugar for four days. This is almost like having a split personality, trying to deal with this disease. It is Sherry against Acro-Sherry. I am losing right now but I will win. This disease can not have me.
The sugary snack foods have been used up and what is left has been hidden by my children with strict instructions not to give it to me even if I throw a tantrum! They like this power, but that's ok. Someone needs to have some control around here!
With the help of my fellow Acro cravers I will beat this too. Together we are stronger ♥

I am Beautiful...............

I just can not seem to convince anyone else of the male species to believe me! I have two sides to me, I will touch on the sad side first that seems to surface on occasion. Part of me is sad because I have spent my life trying to find someone to love me unconditionally, just the way I am. Sure I was in a relationship with my children's father for 16 years but it was not a relationship built nor witheld by love and compassion. Even during all those years I longed for someone to love me. I still do. Why is there not anyone out there that wants to be with me. I have friends that love me to death and they see the true beauty I behold but there is always the friendship line that is somehow forbidden to be crossed. On the nights when I am lonely and cry, my mind breaks free from my reasoning and wanders into troubled waters. All the negativity comes out...Who will ever want me? I am not very attractive, deformed a bit actually. I am always sick even though I try very hard to hide that...some days it is very obvious. I have a crazy ex and teenagers. Not many men want to jump into a relationship with kids, especially teens! I don't have sex. I have mood swings. I go through alot of treatments. Sometimes I get mad for no apparent reasons and I can get very irritable at times. There are days I feel like dying because the pain and sickness gets so bad. I am overweight and underpaid.Who wants this sort of package deal? Would I want all of this in a man? Am I destined to be the old woman that everyone at church delivers meals to on holidays and sends occasional "thinking of you" cards so she doesn't die of lonliness? When this side of me surfaces, It does not matter how much my friends tell me how beautiful I am and how amazing I am and how any man would be happy to have me.......because truth is, Actions speak louder than words and this woman is not getting any action! I just want to be loved.

Now, the other side of me which is more prevalent and I enjoy immensely is the side of reason. I am beautiful! I know I am. It is not my fault if men do not see that. I love who I am and how I am. Why on Earth would I want a man to "put up with me"? I want a man to SHARE my life, my glorious life, not take care of me. I have proven time and time again that I am very capable of caring for my family and supporting us 100%. I have amazing children, a great personality, I try to be funny :O) and as far as looks go....I am cute! I do not have to be a rail thin runway model with perfect cheekbones to be beautiful. I am not looking for love now. I am sitting back and letting love find me....letting God choose for me because I obviously suck at it! I may end up that old woman but I will not be lonely because I have amazing friends and I will not allow myself to suffer.