I am Beautiful...............

I just can not seem to convince anyone else of the male species to believe me! I have two sides to me, I will touch on the sad side first that seems to surface on occasion. Part of me is sad because I have spent my life trying to find someone to love me unconditionally, just the way I am. Sure I was in a relationship with my children's father for 16 years but it was not a relationship built nor witheld by love and compassion. Even during all those years I longed for someone to love me. I still do. Why is there not anyone out there that wants to be with me. I have friends that love me to death and they see the true beauty I behold but there is always the friendship line that is somehow forbidden to be crossed. On the nights when I am lonely and cry, my mind breaks free from my reasoning and wanders into troubled waters. All the negativity comes out...Who will ever want me? I am not very attractive, deformed a bit actually. I am always sick even though I try very hard to hide that...some days it is very obvious. I have a crazy ex and teenagers. Not many men want to jump into a relationship with kids, especially teens! I don't have sex. I have mood swings. I go through alot of treatments. Sometimes I get mad for no apparent reasons and I can get very irritable at times. There are days I feel like dying because the pain and sickness gets so bad. I am overweight and underpaid.Who wants this sort of package deal? Would I want all of this in a man? Am I destined to be the old woman that everyone at church delivers meals to on holidays and sends occasional "thinking of you" cards so she doesn't die of lonliness? When this side of me surfaces, It does not matter how much my friends tell me how beautiful I am and how amazing I am and how any man would be happy to have me.......because truth is, Actions speak louder than words and this woman is not getting any action! I just want to be loved.

Now, the other side of me which is more prevalent and I enjoy immensely is the side of reason. I am beautiful! I know I am. It is not my fault if men do not see that. I love who I am and how I am. Why on Earth would I want a man to "put up with me"? I want a man to SHARE my life, my glorious life, not take care of me. I have proven time and time again that I am very capable of caring for my family and supporting us 100%. I have amazing children, a great personality, I try to be funny :O) and as far as looks go....I am cute! I do not have to be a rail thin runway model with perfect cheekbones to be beautiful. I am not looking for love now. I am sitting back and letting love find me....letting God choose for me because I obviously suck at it! I may end up that old woman but I will not be lonely because I have amazing friends and I will not allow myself to suffer.