Oh Sheryl, Where for Art Thou?

I have been feeling great physically lately and my cognitive skills seem to be creeping back slowly as my IGF1 levels are dropping. I thought to myself that now would be a good time to try and get a part time job..you know, work as long as I can ,while I can because I learned that tomorrows are never promised. I have things that need to be done around my house and with my van and well, let's face it, Social Security disability payments barely pay the mortgage. Anyway, I was offered a job at the behavioral clinic that I attend but in order to qualify I had to take a training class. I thought great! I was so excited to finally be a part of something "normal" to show myself and my kids and friends that I was so much better and my life was moving forward splendidly. That acro was no longer controlling me...... Classes began yesterday....day one FAIL with a capital F

 Those of us with mental health issues understand the word "triggers" all too well. My entire day of class was filled with mental and physical triggers. Being crammed into a very small basement room with 20 strangers and just one small window too high to see out of was not exactly the training class I anticipated. It was crowded and I could not move. My space was invaded big time by those on each side of me. I desperately tried for hours to reposition my butt on the hard chair thinking that would somehow alleviate the excruciating pain radiating through my hip and lower back. I could not stand nor stretch nor scream. Getting up to stretch or leave the room would have required at least half the class standing up and moving out with me. Attention that I did not want placed on me. My anxiety was already escalating just being there. The room was very dimly lit so reading in my book was impossible. The constant squinting gave me a headache within a short time. I tried very hard to listen and focus but as the day continued the acro fog came rolling in and set the room in a haze. I continuously rocked back and forth and side to side in attempt to see the teacher so I could read his lips..something that I seemed to have picked up over the years. Hearing loss and acro fog sound like seashells on my ears moving to the beat of the ringing. I see everyone's mouths moving but I can no longer comprehend. I feel lightheaded and want to cry.

The first few hours I was able to tolerate class. Not sure how exactly but I did. During the ten minute break I could not seem to allow myself out of the folding chair that had become my torture chamber for the day. My torture and my security, a bittersweet relationship. I was afraid others would beat me back to their seats and I would have to burden everyone by moving to let me back in. I suppose this is a touch of paranoia, something else the disease has gifted me. I never have liked it's gifts. Once break was over, class began and the first thing the teacher said was that we would begin role playing. My jaw dropped and my heart sunk into my stomach. I didn't "hear" anything else that was said until it was my turn.My anxiety was thru the roof!  I heard my name from the teacher and then my partner giving me her situation. All I could do was look at the teacher, jaw opened wide and eyes welling. He must have seen the terror in my eyes because he answered for me. I have not felt that stupid and embarrassed in a very long time. It was at that very moment that I realized that Acromegaly still had reigns on me and it was tugging hard. I felt like I couldn't breathe, my chest was pounding and I desperately drank water hoping it would hold back my tears and keep my panic down....the attack was coming and I was not sure how long I could control it. Why the hell can I not control this? Why can I not just be like everyone else in class? Why can I not just open my mouth and say what I needed to? I know the answers. I know the terminology. Please don't laugh at me. Please don't think I am a mental case. .... All these things kept racing through my mind. I also thought of how disappointed I was in myself and how much I hated illnesses. Triggers make it easy to become quickly depressed and anxious and to let your mind wander with completely false thoughts.

During the lunch break I made sure to walk out of the room so I could re-focus, stretch my throbbing hip and try to explain myself to the teacher...ha! explain myself...Oh so many times I have tried to "explain myself" to the non-acro life forms. I wasn't anticipating any understanding but he was actually very nice about it. Now that I think about it, he is trained to deal with people like me who just lose it for no clear reason. He has the job I am training for. Is that ironic? So I shed a few tears, stopped on occasion to catch my breathe and think about what the most important things he should know about me during the few moments I had with him. Can't remember exactly what I said but it involved,brain tumor, acro fog, anxiety and panic. The one thing I clearly remember and I love him for...he never said "well, you look good". He gave me a high five, told me he was proud of me for my accomplishments and how far I have come.

Back to my torturous chair for the last two hour stretch in the dungeon. The teacher was accommodating and made sure to give me a reassuring smile on occasion. I could not make myself completely comfortable physically nor mentally that afternoon as I was still terrified that there would be more role playing. I don't think my mind and heart could have lasted through another attack that day. After class, I got in my van and as I started to drive, I began to shake and then the tears came, crocodile tears....a steady stream flowing out directly from my very soul. My heart had been broken that day. I expected to be "normal" that day. I wanted my first class to be great. I wanted to be great. Was I asking too much? anticipating too much? The acromonster may have reared his ugly head yesterday once again but he can not scare me away from something I really want to do. I want this. I need this. I need to be able to feel as normal as I can. I know I will never be who I used to be and that's ok. I will make a better me.