After having my acromegaly injection refill refused by my endo and being left to suffer with symptoms for weeks as I fought to get it back, I had so much anger built up in me. How dare someone just take away a med that had given me a quality of life back, that had allowed me to be able to function in this world and be somewhat of a good mom again!! I was furious beyond words and anxiously awaited the day my endo appointment fell on so I could tear into her and let her have it. I had spent days playing it out in my head exactly what I was going to say to her. With each conversation about it, with each pain and each headache and every moment of fatigue, my anger and stress kept adding to the mountain of rage I had built within me and I cursed her name with joy. I envisioned myself in her office refusing to sit down, standing tall ,arms crossed demanding answers for her incompetence and lack of compassion. I envisioned the nurse coming in to ask if all what alright and what the yelling was about. I even envisioned myself taking a gansta position with head tilted arms out to the sides, all up in her grill! You name it, I envisioned it for that appointment!! I even made myself a written list of points to be sure to make in case I lost my thoughts in that anticipated moment of rage and stress release....
And then it happened, "Sheryl, room 4 please" .. I politely greeted the nurse as I followed her and then my tension grew as I walked closer to the exam room. I could feel my fists tightening and my jaw clenching (well the best I could) ...my lips pursed tightly as to hold in my words and save them all for the doctor. The nurse said the doctor would be in shortly.. so I sat down to wait, trying to conserve my energy for what was coming. Boy was I ready to lay into her! Arms crossed, knee bouncing rapidly with anxiety, heart pounding...I waited. and waited.. and waited... Finally, the knock.. that stupid little warning knock to let me know that it was on! It was a knock but I think my mind heard more of a boxing bell ring tone to it. I stood up and took my stance. Here we go, c'mon Sherry, don't kill her... just scare her. ............ and then it happened, I saw her face. My mouth opened, I quickly pulled my fist out and bam!! I let her have it ....my hand to shake that is.. Ugh... ok, Sherry, now tell her everything you had to say, get your list , start talking..don't let her say a word!! Here goes.. and bam! " Good morning Doctor, nice to see you again" .............Lord what is wrong with me! I said nothing, nothing. I was pleasant. I was calm. I was patient. Everything I had planned to say and do all went right out the window as soon as she walked in. What it is that people find so intimidating about doctors? What do I find so intimidating about THIS doctor? She is kind and young and beautiful and polite and mild mannered and knowledgeable and truthful. Why can't she be a hag? Why can I not just speak my mind when it comes to complaints? Could it be because this woman holds my life in her hands? Do I really want to bite the hand that feeds me per say? She is it.. she is the one that is able to help me. I have been through four endos, all of whom made my life miserable. I fought for two years to get to this one because she is among the best, most knowledgeable with acromegaly. I have no fear of asking her questions and asking her to repeat things or explain things, but I can not bring myself to be aggressive towards her in any manner. I did not even MENTION to her about not refilling my injection script! Not one damn word!!! I was proud of myself for keeping my composure but not proud for not at least telling her how she made me feel for those three weeks... how sick I was. I didn't even ask her why. I only know what the nurses were telling me. I need to not be so passive I suppose. I just keep going back to the thought that... what happens if I piss off the doctor? Does my care remain the same... or does the care diminish because I have made myself not as worthy of compassion and great care as the other patients that behave accordingly. Care should be the same regardless of who I am or how I behave, but is that really how it works? I always feel like I need to keep my negative opinions or remarks to myself. I do not want to compromise my health care in any way. Truth be told, I NEED the doctors..they do not need me. I am a replaceable patient, but not all my doctors are able to be replaced when it comes to being knowledgeable on rare diseases. At least for now, my meds are back and my care is moving forward again... but boy, she better not EVER keep my med from me again or I will, I will just... I will probably just go and greet her with kindness all over again. Ugh....
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