Lost in a Crowd

Growing up, no matter where I was or who I was with, I felt lost, like I just did not belong or fit in. Loneliness and isolation were nothing new to me but it was not overpowering, I was still able to find some enjoyment in my life at times. Somehow when I was diagnosed with Acromegaly, loneliness took on a whole new meaning to me. Those three haunting words "You have Acromegaly" sent me spiraling into a depression that locked me up and threw away the key. Just when I thought I was old enough and mature enough to know who I was and where I was going with my life, this disease entered my life, completely uninvited and took over. After my diagnosis I tried very hard to find support, someone who could understand me. I looked to my family and only found silence. I will never forget the day I went to tell my parents about my diagnosis. I waited a few days to regain my composure. On my way to their home I kept re-enacting in my head, how I would tell them what I had. How do you tell a parent that their youngest child may be dying? I felt like I was dying at the time. Upon arriving at my mom and dad's house, I turned the van off and sat there for a moment giving myself a pep talk silently "c'mon Sherry, you can do this" I pictured my mother bursting out in tears and my father holding me and telling me everything would be alright and that they would help me the whole way. I took a deep breathe and walked in. "Mom, Daddy, sit down..I need to tell you something. I went to the doctor a few days ago for my results" now in tears, "I have a brain tumor. I have a chronic disease called Acromegaly and there is no cure" I sit briefly and wait for the tears and embraces....nothing. Ok they are in shock,I will give it a minute to sink in....anytime now, is that a tear? No. No tears.No hugs. No questions. All I got was a few words from my mother "Oh well,(pause)What can ya do.(statement, not asking me).My father asked if my van ran ok on the trip down to the doctor. I was numb. Can they not hear me! Do they not see my tears and feel my heart sinking into my stomach? I knew at that very moment that I was going to be alone in this journey. Sure I tried other avenues for support...friends, other family, church...but it was "cover-up" support. Ya know "call me if you need anything" "I will pray for you" "make sure your kids help you around the house" There were a few exceptions to my lack of support. These people would do anything for me if I asked but I do not see or hear from them hardly ever. In the beginning people were kind and had many well-wishes and helped a lot financially but I think I wore out my welcome in their lives in a very short period of time. Little by little my friends and family disappeared completely. Was I a burden to them? Were they tired of my complaints...even though I never complained much out loud? Do they think I was miraculously cured and no longer needed them? Were they using me for brownie points with God? I had a lot of questions and doubts and concerns running through my mind. I could never walk away from someone if I truly cared about them.

So, here I am five years later, still not much of any support here where I live. I can be standing in the midst of a crowd of a thousand people and hear nothing and see nothing.I am alone in my mind. Sometimes I felt like I was not worthy to be cared about or to be loved.I have decided that I just need to surround myself with positive people who truly care and love me unconditionally. I do not expect pity or sympathy or favors or great acts of kindness because I have a chronic disease. I just want someone to listen to me when I need to say something or give me a hug when I am down or just hang out with me sometimes. I do not need those people in my life that walked away when I needed them most. I do not hold anything against them and I am not bitter. Some people just can not deal with those who are very ill for whatever reason. Some may feel guilty for being healthy or for being able to do the things I can not. Nobody has ever told me why they have left me. I can only speculate. For every door someone has walked out and closed in my life, someone awesome has re-opened it and walked in. I may not have much support at home but I have tons of support from others just like me who have Acromegaly. What more could I ask for?