After chatting with a dear friend this evening, I decided to blog about a subject that nobody likes to speak about.Mental Illness.
As many as 1 in every four people suffer from some sort of mental illness. I have never been afraid to speak about my mental illness when i am asked but then again,most people never think to ask. They see my physical ailments and changes but they can not see the silent pain I endure, so they do not think to ask and I do not just throw it out there either...I mean, really, it is easy for me to stand there and say "this weather is making my joints hurt more".People understand that pain, but how often does the opportunity come up for me to say " So, do you see the walls closing in on us too?" or "So, how about those Lakers, number 19 kept staring at me throughout the entire game and I am pretty sure he followed me home".
Here is my story of mental illness..I will try to make it short. A lot of details are left out because there are way too many too list!
Just a quick background of things in my past that may have triggered my mental illness...rape and molestation, bullied my entire life from kids at school and people in the community,overweight and unattractive,left at the bottom of the food chain, used and abused by several men,diagnosed with two rare diseases...........those were the major things anyway.
Despite everything I have been through, I look back now and wonder how much of my mental illness was triggered by trauma and how much was related to physical illnesses and chemical imbalances. Sure I had more than enough reasons to be depressed and feel like I was losing my mind but I am not convinced it was all mentally/emotionally based. My problems began around the age of 5. I can remember laying in my bed at night terrified of clowns and open windows. I sleepwalked at night. My parents had to keep the doors locked because they found me outside in the street one night. By age ten I would lay in the dark and feel like the walls and ceiling were coming closer to me. Thought for sure every time that I was going to be crushed.By age 10, I was seeing things, hearing things,feeling depressed and anxious. I would rock myself when I was alone. Age 12, puberty began.I was a whirlwind of emotions every day, highs and lows.I became a great cutter. Self mutilation somehow made me feel better but I was really doing it hoping that someone would notice and ask me what was wrong.....nobody ever noticed. Nobody asked. Instead I took on the nicknames "Bambi" because they thought I was bamming into things and "clutsy".My dad's nickname for me "stinky". My Grandmother and aunt named me "brat" which I never understood because I was always the quiet withdrawn one. By age 15 I became suicidal and was having periods they called "blackouts". I was conscious but never had any recollection of what I had done during these times. Was also fainting at times and seemed to come across as "high" even though I have never in my life even tried a street drug or taken meds not meant for me. Depression was very bad now and headaches began. I ended up hospitalized for over six months in a behavioral institute. It was there that I was labeled manic depressive and bi-polar along with severely chemically imbalanced. I didn't care. I didn't care about much of anything for years. By age 19 things were looking up as far as mental issues...depression continued but meds were no longer needed. After about five years or so, I noticed that there were times when i just seemed to be in a fog, i didn't worry though. I was still in control.
When I was diagnosed with Acromegaly in 2007, my world seemed to come crashing down on me. My mind was uncontrollable as were my emotions.I found myself very mentally and emotionally vulnerable. Within six months I was declared SMI by the state of Arizona. For those who are not familiar with the term SMI....it stands for Severely Mentally Ill. All the old feelings and symptoms I had crept back into my life and brought their friends with. I began having nightmares on a regular basis, all centered around my death. Anxiety got the best of me too, I began isolating myself in my bedroom. It was my children that had to force me out to cook food and take them places. I was content sitting all day in the dark, laying down wrapped in a blanket, holding my giraffe and crying. My life lost meaning for a while.Even the times I would go out, I felt alone. I knew people were around me but I could not really hear them or see them. I remember times that I would just become so outraged for no reason. Thank God I could feel it coming. I sounded the warning to my children every time to stay away from me. My babies were so confused by all I was going through that there were times that I just knew they would be better off without me. I had wished Acro was a fatal disease.Suicide thoughts crossed my mind a time or two and I cut for the first time in over 15 years.Damn this fucking disease! How dare you ruin the lives of my children! You want me? Take me now. I would do anything to not hurt my children in any way. Thank God my daughter knew me well enough at her young age to tell me when she saw changes in me. "mom you are not eating again. Mom, you need to bathe, Mom, you have to feed us every day. Mom, you have to come out of your room." That lasted about a year or so. I am so grateful for my children staying by me and not resenting me.
Stress is powerful when not controlled. It makes the mind do and think crazy thoughts. With the help of therapy, psychiatrist and counseling, friends, my children and God, I have found peace in my life. I still fight the depression and sometimes the cutting too. Mood swings come and go on a smaller scale and the anxiety still comes to visit.Sitting in church I have to be in the very back row, I can not concentrate on the sermon if anyone is behind me. I feel like my mental state at times is in fact mental but other times I feel like it is Acro/hormone related, especially the times where I cry apparently just to cry or get angry for no reason.
I hope that by me posting this, others with mental illness will understand that they are not alone and it is ok to talk about it. Mental Illness is just as much an illness as Acromegaly is. There are no cures for either but they can be controlled. Love yourself. Understand yourself. Take the time to be your own best friend. Things can be better but you have to work at it. Like any other disease, if you ignore your mental health issues they will get worse, not fade away.
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